A Dedication

First I owe my thanks to Jesus Christ my Saviour, who saw my greatest need and fed it through a relationship with Him, who saw me before my own grandmother existed and felt excited for my presence, who challenged me to aim higher even in the midst of the fear and the very real evil of this world.

Second and lastly, for a third might defeat the purpose [for the blog] of this ode, I must thank the availability of this blog, Blogger, its makers, by golly gee, the Internet! And yes, that is a thanks all in one. But it is a great one because I am truly grateful for your unfailing availability, not often ruined by the elements as paper [journal] is, and just by your ability to be known, to be put out there in a space [cloud space] not known to man several decades ago but so efficient and so convenient yet 'curseworthy' at times. Regardless, this is a positive ode. I thank you for a space [Blogger page] as well to post my feelings, to expand upon what I have already known through expression of words that quickly become old knowledge, making room, encouraging sanity for the new and the brave. Thank you for in letting me express my self through diction, I was able to revisit my 'at times' scathing thoughts towards my sins and brethren and see how unworthy I am of the cross, and how truly and inevitably humbled one should be in light of such undeserving grace from a worthy and Awesome! Saviour :)
You have been a sort of indirect guidance back to my primordial roots, you have given me more than a hobby, but rather a lifelong habit towards knowing myself, and therefore seeking the Saviour :)

His purpose = the Highest purpose

 ¹There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
 ²For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
 ³For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
 ⁴That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
 ⁵For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
Romans 8: 1-5

Change and God

Why is it that I go throughout the day with my highest goal in mind to be kind and at peace with my brothers and sisters, and then go to bed and find myself an insomniac only entertaining and preconceiving frustrations?
I wish that I did not have to "die daily".
I feel like such a failure in this respect.
Though at the same time, as I write these words I can't help but feel glad to know that my Saviour surely uses this as a way to show my great need for Him.
No reminder - not my descendants, who my family is, what my race is - ever gives me as fulfilling purpose as that of being a child and servant of the Great King. Indubitably, such traits of life are conclusively for His sole purpose. :)
It's amazing to think that I have no control over anything, Nothing at all! The reason it's so amazing to me is because, time and time again I try to fix situations in my life so that I - delusionally - am in control over them. I don't know what it is, this hunger to ever be in control of life. It's so silly, how I think I possess control even over little things like fixing and organizing. The truth is, nothing in this life will ever remain the same! It's enough to drive one nuts!


But the most amazing, marvelous, and awe-inspiring thing
is that God,
being the only constant for humanity,
intended life to be just this way (Him as constant).

Our Greatest Need

Oh man, Isn't God amazing? ;)
Just when you think you've got it right, he steps in to show you the right - and in doing so he brings you closer to Him. I love your love oh God.

Sometimes I wake up from a nap, or just plain sleeping and I feel like I have a brand new start at life. I feel like all the little things that have been bothering me throughout the week, the silly things, the big things, that all of them simply don't matter anymore. It's like I see things with peace, and it feels great and I tell myself that maybe life isn't so hard, and I wonder why I've made it that way all along.

But suddenly, I feel a certain vulnerability in the midst of all such happiness. I feel like it's too good to be true, like life couldn't possibly be so easy as to be able to forget about everything that ever bothered me in a moment. It isn't, and the truth is it shouldn't be - at least not until He returns for us.
I started analyzing what I felt inside, and I saw my vulnerabilities and in that moment  I prayed and cried to God. I told Him how I felt that although I was sure He listened to me, sometimes it felt like he was nowhere to be found. I've always found it curious how he feels so close - and most close - throughout my troubles. Though, I know in my heart that it is not because I am making it up. There is so much within me that truly believes in Him. The mere longing for love, that deep, never full well within all of us is witness to that.
I have tried to look for love, sometimes without God - not even realizing that I had left him. And as I look back upon those times of my life when I tried to look for love, I realized that those were the moments in which I was most miserable, because my sights were not set on God. Ironically enough, I know now that it was Him I was looking for all my life.
I will continue to proclaim this, because I know He is all I need, and that He is all anyone else needs.

"Eve wanted more, and would continue to search for more until she returned to God."

I told God, I told YOU:
"I am afraid, for inside of me I feel things I don't understand, and sometimes I feel like I can't bear it any longer."
You told me:
"Do not fear, for you WILL NOT be ashamed; Nor be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame."¹
Me:
"What about all my mistakes that I feel won't go away?"
You:
"..you Will forget the shame of your youth, and will not remember the reproach of your widowhood Anymore."¹
Me:
"Is there anyone that could accept me just as I am? Even after knowing me fully?"
You:
I, your Maker, am your Husband. The Lord of Hosts is My name. I am your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; the God of the whole earth.²
Me:
"How is it that you are so consistent - so unfailing in your love for me?"
You:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways.³ For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are my ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."⁴
Me:
Surely "Great peace have those who love your law and Nothing causes them to stumble."<sup>5

1</sup> Isaiah 54:4
² Isaiah 54:5
³ Isaiah 55:8
⁴ Isaiah 55:9
⁵ Psalms 119:165