I wish I could say that I only view you as the "best friend" you often term me, seemingly teasingly. Yet I believe you mean it when you call me so. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, so perhaps it is no wonder that I have such angst in my heart at the fact that that you are my next-door neighbor. I sometimes wonder if I had caught you earlier on, if we had spoken more maybe I would have had a better chance with you.

After spending one week on a mission trip with you, I discovered the beauty of your selflessness. By then I also discovered through another group member that you had a girlfriend you were really in love with. I guess I just find it odd that you have never brought this up to your "best friend", I wonder if you think I know already or expect me to ask or what.

If I’m Honest (with myself)

I once told you that ‘nothing in life is free’

I told you that when someone does something for you, it isn’t without a price.

I quickly apologized seeing your offense, trying to explain that was everyone but you.

As I discussed this with a friend some days later, I admitted that I still believed it true – that nothing in life is free.

If a small-town mobster decides to pay off everyone’s debts in that small town, wouldn’t they all be grateful? But what would be the real cost?

Not everyone is a small-town mobster of course, but everyone is human. Expectations don’t just go away, because we are human.

Expectations aren’t necessarily bad, I can say ‘wow, I am so grateful for this person in my life. For what they did for me, I really want to make it up to them’. Of course, that is also the more idyllic version of positive expectations.

Reality hits when I am honest with my own intentions. With asking you to borrow a wrench to fix my bike, I already knew that because of your good nature you would want to help me out. Truthfully speaking, I just wanted to spend time with you before you leave to another side of the world, or back to your lover’s arms. I guess I just find it difficult to believe that you have someone else, when you hugged me the way you did. I consider that a guy whom I recently grew interest in, would be someone I would not hesitate to leave (the idea of) if I knew I could be with you. At the same time, I know it’s not logical to be with someone like you because our lives are taking us different paths, but mostly because you are already in a relationship and have never brought it up.

I know that we are so different.You are Trinidadian by inheritance, but Indian by blood, and I am simply put, a Mexican born on American soil. You love to listen to Christian reggae, and I love Christian Indie music. Your career will likely soon take you to the other side of the world, and mine could very likely keep me here. Also, I'm pretty sure you're in a relationship. Why don't I bring this up, you (reader) may ask? I feel like I've already worn my heart on my sleeves. I feel he knows that I've been interested in him. I feel that he sees me as a sister, and I am ashamed that I want something more.

I remember telling a friend of mine that you went out to buy me an actual laptop after realizing that I had been without one for a whole semester. She asked "Who does that?", surprised that someone would be so kind! I of course was beside myself when you arrived with your friend at my door saying you had something for me to help me out in my studies. Of course, since then I've discovered that you are so incredibly giving of your time and general resources with everyone you meet. You are so insightful about life, and are not afraid to express your emotions. You are such a great motivator to me in my spiritual walk, and I'm sure whoever she is she is a very special person.

If I can only be your friend that is fine, but it is hard to bring myself to tell you anything beyond that...